Book summary - Non Violent CommunicationA Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides)

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides)

By Marshall B. Rosenberg and Deepak Chopra

Benefits of NVC

Non Violent communication (NVC) helps us re-frame how we express ourselves . Instead of habitual and automatic reactions, our responses will become conscious and aware of what we perceive , feel and want. We will express ourselves honestly , clearly while paying others respectful and emphatic attention.

Process of NVC

What we are observing, feeling, and needing, and what we are requesting to enrich our lives
Four Components of NVC

1. Observations
2. Feelings
3. Needs and
4. Requests

First we approach the situation and frame our understanding of the four components of NVC from our perspective . The other part of of communication is to get these four component details from others.We connect with them by first sensing what they are observing, feeling, and needing; then we discover what would enrich their lives by receiving the fourth piece—their request.we establish a flow of communication, back and forth, until compassion manifests naturally.

Communications that block Compassion -

• Moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of those who don’t act in harmony with our values.
• Comparisons, which can block compassion both for others and for ourselves.
• Denying Responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions.we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves:
  • Vague, impersonal forces—“I cleaned my room because I had to.”
  • Our condition, diagnosis, or personal or psychological history—“I drink because I am an alcoholic.” 
  • The actions of others—“I hit my child because he ran into the street.”
  • The dictates of authority—“I lied to the client because the boss told me to.”
  • Group pressure—“I started smoking because all my friends did.” Institutional policies, rules, and regulations—“I have to suspend you for this infraction because it’s the school policy.” 
  • Gender roles, social roles, or age roles—”I hate going to work, but I do it because I am a husband and a father.”
• Communicating our desires in the form of demands

Observing without evaluating -

• Maintain separation between observation and Evaluation
• Do not engage in static generalizations; instead, evaluations are to be based on observations specific to time and context.

Identifying and Expressing Feelings -

• By developing a vocabulary of feelings that allows us to clearly and specifically name or identify our emotions, we can connect more easily with one another.
• Distinguish thoughts from feelings

Taking Responsibility of our feelings (needs)

• Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …”
• By definition -A need doesn’t refer to a specific action
• If we really want to be of assistance to others, the first thing to learn is to translate any message into an expression of a need.
• Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our particular needs and expectations in that moment.
• When developing emotional responsibility, most of us experience three stages:
  1. “Emotional slavery”—believing ourselves responsible for the feelings of others,
  2. “The obnoxious stage”—in which we refuse to admit to caring what anyone else feels or needs, and
  3. “emotional liberation”—in which we accept full responsibility for our own feelings but not the feelings of others, while being aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others.

Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life

• Make requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want
• Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs.
• It is a demand if the speaker -
  • then criticizes or judges
  • then lays down a guilt trap
• It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person’s needs.

Empathy -

• Is respectful understanding of what others are experiencing.
• Emptying our mind and listening with our whole being
• Empathy with others occurs only when we have successfully shed all preconceived ideas and judgments about them.
• The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing. This quality of presence distinguishes empathy from either mental understanding or sympathy.
• common behaviors that prevent us from being sufficiently present
  • Advising: “I think you should … ” “How come you didn’t … ?”
  • One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.”
  • Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just … ”
  • Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.”
  • Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time … ”
  • Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.”
  • Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing … ”
  • Interrogating: “When did this begin?”
  • Explaining: “I would have called but … ”
  • Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”
• No matter what others say, we only hear what they are (1) observing, (2) feeling, (3) needing, and (4) requesting.
• After we focus our attention and hear , we may wish to reflect back by paraphrasing what we have understood.
• Paraphrase only when it contributes to greater compassion and understanding.
• Behind intimidating messages are merely people appealing to us to meet their needs
• We know a speaker has received adequate empathy when (1) we sense a release of tension, or (2) the flow of words comes to a halt.
• We need empathy to give empathy. When we sense ourselves being defensive or unable to empathize, we need to (1) stop, breathe, give ourselves empathy; (2) scream nonviolently; or (3) take time out.
• It’s harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status, or resources and with those are close to us
• Rather than put your “but” in the face of an angry person, empathize.
• It may be difficult to empathize with those who are closest to us.

The Power of Empathy-

Self hatred

 If the way we evaluate ourselves leads us to feel shame, and we consequently change our behavior, we are allowing our growing and learning to be guided by self-hatred.
This can be replaced with compassion is in our moment-to-moment evaluation of ourselves.When we are doing something that is not enriching life, is to evaluate ourselves in a way that inspires change both (1) in the direction of where we would like to go, and (2) out of respect and compassion for ourselves, rather than out of self-hatred, guilt or shame.

Self-judgments-

If we find ourselves reacting reproachfully to something we did (“Look, you just messed up again!”), we can quickly stop and ask ourselves, “What unmet need of mine is being expressed through this moralistic judgment?” When we do connect to the need—and there may be several layers of needs—we will notice a remarkable shift in our bodies. Whether it’s sadness, frustration, disappointment, fear, grief, or some other feeling, we have been endowed by nature with these feelings for a purpose: they mobilize us to pursue and fulfill what we need or value.

NVC Mourning

It is the process of fully connecting with the unmet needs and the feelings that are generated when we have been less than perfect. When our consciousness is focused on what we need, we are naturally stimulated toward creative possibilities for how to get that need met.An important aspect of self-compassion is to be able to empathically hold both parts of ourselves—the self that regrets a past action and the self that took the action in the first place.

NVC self-forgiveness:

Connecting with the need we were trying to meet when we took the action that we now regret. In that compassionate place, I am able to hold both needs: in one hand, to respond in a caring way to others’ needs, and in the other, to be aware of and take better care of my own needs.
When we make mistakes, instead of getting caught up in moralistic self-judgments, we can use the process of NVC mourning and self-forgiveness to show us where we can grow. By assessing our behaviors in terms of our own unmet needs, the impetus for change comes out of the genuine desire to contribute to our own and others’ well-being. We also cultivate self-compassion by consciously choosing in daily life to act only in service to our own needs and values .If we review the joyless acts to which we currently subject ourselves and make the translation from “have to” to “choose to,” we will discover more play and integrity in our lives.

Expressing Anger Fully -

• The first step is to divorce the other person from any responsibility for our anger.
• The cause of anger lies in our thinking—in thoughts of blame and judgment.
• When we judge others, we contribute to violence.
• At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.
• Consciously replace the phrase “I am angry because they … ” with “I am angry because I am needing … ”
• Steps to expressing anger: 1. Stop. Breathe. 2. Identify our judgmental thoughts. 3. Connect with our needs. 4. Express our feelings and unmet needs.Sometimes, in between steps 3 and 4, we may choose to empathize with the other person so that he or she will be better able to hear us when we express ourselves in step 4.
• As we have seen, our anger comes from judgments, labels, and thoughts of blame, of what people “should” do and what they “deserve.”
  • List the judgments that float most frequently in your head by using the cue, “I don’t like people who are … ”
  • Collect all such negative judgments in your head and then ask yourself, “When I make that judgment of a person, what am I needing and not getting?” 
  • In this way, you train yourself to frame your thinking in terms of unmet needs rather than in terms of judgments of other people.
  • Practice translating each judgment into an unmet need. Take your time.
  • To practice NVC, we need to proceed slowly, think carefully before we speak, and often just take a deep breath and not speak at all. Learning the process and applying it both take time.

NVC Conflict Resolution Steps—A Quick Overview

There are five steps in this process.

• First, we express our own needs.
• Second, we search for the real needs of the other person, no matter how they are expressing themselves.
• Third, we verify that we both accurately recognize the other person’s needs, and if not, continue to seek the need behind their words.
• Fourth, we provide as much empathy as is required for us to mutually hear each other’s needs accurately
• And fifth, having clarified both parties’ needs in the situation, we propose strategies for resolving the conflict, framing them in positive action language.

Expressing Appreciations

Gratitude will act as an elixir that will gradually dissolve the hard shell of your ego—your need to possess and control—and transform you into a generous being. The sense of gratitude produces true spiritual alchemy, makes us magnanimous—large souled.
Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority or false humility.

Expressing appreciation-

We state (1) the action that has contributed to our well-being, (2) the particular need of ours that has been fulfilled, and (3) the feelings of pleasure engendered as a result.


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