Book Summary - Courage to be disliked

The Courage To Be Disliked: How to free yourself, change your life and achieve real happiness

Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

Synopsis-

We are living in a subject world. All our problems are interpersonal problems. The moment you change ,the world changes. We cannot alter objective facts. But subjective interpretations can be altered as much as one likes. Our unhappiness cannot be blamed for our past and present experiences. The problem is not in our ability to be happy. But it is the lack of courage to change lifestyle - the way one give meaning to the world and himself. Self reliance, cooperation with others and contributions to others are three overarching objectives of our behavior. We can achieve these through life tasks(work, friendship & love). Separation of tasks is gateway to interpersonal relationships. Cultivate horizontal relationships through them.

All problems are interpersonal problems -

• Loneliness is having other people and society and community around you and feeling the sense of being excluded by them. To feel lonely , we need other people. we are social individuals.
• The feeling of inferiority and striving for superiority is important for normal , health striving for growth. This does not mean competing with any one. Feeling of inferiority and inferiority complex are not the same. it is using the feeling of inferiority as an excuse . We begin with self acceptance and continue to move forward in our own way with out competing with anyone .
• We are equal but not the same. Don't confuse being different with good and bad, superior or inferior. Whatever differences we have , we are equal.
• Anger - Anger is a tool, a form of communication. We can communicate our thoughts ,ideas and able to be accepted without any need for anger. if we can learn to understand experientially then the anger will disappear automatically.
• Power struggles are interpersonal relationship traps.
  • when you sense a power struggle, immediately step down. Do not respond with a reaction to the action.
  • Pursue of superiority is not engaging in competition.
• Separation of tasks -
  • There are three overarching objectives for behavior
    1.Self Reliance
    
    2. Cooperation with the society
       
    3. Contribution to others
       
  • There are 3 categories of tasks to achieve the above .They are called Life tasks .
    
    1. Tasks of work
    2. Tasks of friendship
    3. Tasks of Love
  • Separation of task - First, one should ask ‘whose task is this?’ Then do the separation of tasks. Calmly delineate up to what point one’s own tasks go, and from what point they become another person’s tasks.And do not intervene in other people’s tasks, or allow even a single person to intervene in one’s own tasks.
    
  • Separation of tasks is the gateway of interpersonal relationships. It is not the final objective.
    
• Horizontal Relationship -If one has been able to build a relationship of equals in the true sense of the term—that is a major lifestyle transformation.
• Let us look at he people not on the level of acts, but on the level of being . Rejoice their existence with gratitude .
• There is no such thing as a one hundred per cent person. This is something we should actively acknowledge.
• Unconditional confidence is a means for making your interpersonal relationship with a person better, and for building a horizontal relationship.
• Happiness in the feeling of contribution .

Life - A series of moments - Journey 

• Our lives exist only in moments called now . It is not made up of lines like staying on the conventional tracks
• It is as if one were dancing ,right now , around and around in each passing instant.
• you should be on a journey the moment you step out of your home , and all the moments on the way to destination.
• The goal is not to get to mountain top but claiming up the mountain itself. It does not matter if you reach the mountain top or not.
• Let’s dance in earnest the moments of the here and now, and live in earnest. Do not look at the past, and do not look at the future. There is no need to compete with anyone, and one has no use for destinations.
• As long as you are dancing, you will get somewhere.When you have danced here and now in earnest and to the full, that is when the meaning of your life will become clear to you.
• Life in general has no meaning . The meaning has to be assigned to life by the individual. No one else can .

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Ten tips for improved relationship - Dean Abbott twitter thread

1. Never play the victim. Realize that your relationships are a product of what you put out, your energy, your behavior, your attitudes. Make sure these are right on your end.

2. Accept that most people do not think what they think of you by accident or because they are evil. This happens less than most people think. People's attitudes toward you are a reflection of the signals you send.

3. Enter all your encounters with a focus on providing value to the other person. Focus on understanding their needs and doing what you can to meet them.

4. Be ruthlessly honest with yourself and engage in lots of self-examination. We are all running off programming we are usually unconscious of, and that has an impact on our relationships.

5. Know your limits. You cannot take care of anyone else totally. You must know what you can and can't do for others. You must know what you are and are not willing to do for others, and you must stay within those limits.

6. Have standards. Decide on very clear limits to to the kind of behavior you will accept in a relationship. Do not compromise on these. Don't be afraid to let a relationship end if the other person refuses to treat you in a way you can accept.

7. Don't try to change others. Instead, focus on your boundaries and what is acceptable to you. Don't, for example, try to get your boyfriend to give up stamp collecting. Decide for yourself whether you want to date a stamp collector.

8. Realize that other people are also broken, lost and miserable. Take that into account when making judgments about them and relationships with them.

9. Remember that it is more important to have integrity than to be liked. Do not compromise on morals or principles. By doing this, you will drive away those who would undermine your integrity and attract those who uphold it.

10. Make growth the point of your relationships. The goal of relationships should not be mere fun or companionship, but mutual aid in becoming something more like the ideal version of ourselves.

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